Florida Blues Is A Journey
|Give Peace A Chance|
I found it very hard to sleep last night. Tossing ‘n turning, my mind racing, I almost turned on my computer in the middle of night to start writing. I have been in Florida for a wee bit over a week now. I’m feeling trapped if you ask me. Honestly, I am, no joke. For my soul to really take off it is not the perfect place for me, but over the years that I have been visiting the Gulf Coast it has been a place for me to see where I need to grow. I will admit that I’m pretty lonely here, I feel trapped to be honest as if I’m in my own private bubble. I don’t have a car this time to go out exploring. Sad to say, I didn’t even make it beach yoga or to visit any friends, but I was grateful for the ones that I did hear from this week. Something is with the natural energy that sucks it right out of me in these parts. I feel as if I’m in a warmer version of traditionalist New England with all of the “snow birders” who come to Florida to escape the cold. They just change their outside world, but sadly to say that most haven’t change their inside world. It’s like let’s change A to B very quickly & that will equally happiness. Oh no, it doesn’t work like that.
I’ve been trying to figure out where I was five years ago when my dad turned 60 all week. I was either in Japan or living in the woods of Yosemite Area, but I kind of have a feeling that I was in California. Well, my dad will be 65 on the 7th , that is tomorrow actually. It’s quite the milestone. I wasn’t there for the last family party. I’m here for this one, just got to make the best of the situation. They are grateful that I am here.
I’m bumped that it’s the holiday season & the end of the year. I’m pretty much blue around this time cos my mind is racing with all of the things that I haven’t done, places that I have not seen, if I have deepen my own personal love, if my soul has really grown, buying pressie for my family since they put big labels onto how much you should spend to give, etc…I will admit that I do suffer from root chakra issues of my childhood & have always had a hard time to accept where I am at the moment. I do better with one on one than being in a group. By rereading Louise Hays book You Can Heal Your Life it’s one of the obstacles that I must overcome to forge ahead on this journey. Oh yes, I got to have a loving relationship with myself first is the key ingredient that I am learning. I had a hard time accepting the concept when I first started therapy & really dove right into the headwinds of healing myself from within. A hug storm with thirty foot seas fighting with myself for quite a bit of time now that I’m learning how to navigate throw. I had to come to terms with new things that were being release from me with my soul emergence on this journey that I am on. I have been walking a much different path from Japan. I still do want to go back to explore, don’t’ get me wrong, to practice what I do know now threw the lens & other things. I still wonder what would have happed if I took those two jobs that I was offered during my darkest days of the soul, I still have a feeling that I would be dead from deep suicidal depression. I probably wouldn’t have made it to Alaska to watch the beauty of the humpback whales, meeting some amazing friends during my time at sea with Lindblad Expeditions, learning how wonderful yoga is as stress release, made my way exploring NYC, having my childhood dream come true to sail through the Drake Passage to set foot on Antarctica, learning how to work with my chakra system, learning the art of a medium, reconnection with old friends, chasing my photographic dreams, incorporating more of my soulful writing that I started to do while in Japan into my blog posts, to many other things.
It’s not that I’m not doing the work; I am each & every day. It’s hard to be the one who is really doing it; in the traditional New England family that I was born into. I haven’t been able to talk it out with them cos they are not that open. I got to remind myself that my soul choose my parents to teach me what I need to work on, even though they still push my buttons in many ways. I shouldn’t be viewing this as punishment, but rather as lessons to grow. As humans we do have the tendency to make our hamsters go around in circles for no reason what so ever. Quieting the mind is the game with mediation. Learning to live with a more open heart is the nature of the game. The consciousness is shifting on Mother Earth, just got to be more open to love. Find your love light & keep it on. I still think that the ideas of the hippy generation is far out there for my parents & the fact of learning how to be more creative wasn’t acceptable with their parents. Its way over their heads, holistic health is like woo woo to them. It’s like I’m crazy cos I know too much from within. I have even made suggestion for my mom to see my intuitive friend who has helped me immensely, but she won’t go. Perhaps she will go when she’s ready, who knows. She wants me to pass along messages to my grandparents who have crossed, but it doesn’t work like that. I have suggested over the years for my dad to look into holistic health, change his diet, go to acupuncture to deal with this athirst, but that usually still blows up in my face. I’m just learning to accept them for who they are & the fact as much as I am the one who suggest to work on yourself from within they won’t change. I just got to learn to let it go. It has nothing to do with love; it’s more of the self acceptance.
I was grateful that my mom last week said to me privately that she could see that I’m much happier than I was last year at this time. I said that it’s all of the inner work that I have been doing, but again I knew that she wouldn’t fully understand that concept. Honestly, it hasn’t been an easy road to walk down. I’m learning what a healthy “NO” means & that it really is a sentence. I got to take care of myself. I do have a big heart, some of my friends will tell you that I surprise them from time to time with things, but I haven’t taken the necessarily steps to take care of me. I’m learning the art; it’s like a painter painting a canvas. There’s only so much that I can give without feeling like shit & run down cos empathic me gets my energy drained. Nor do some people understand how empathic I am, so I must learn the art of not letting others make me feel like shit. People look at me like crazy for inspiring them at times, so what I got a message that just needs to be heard in this world.
Well, I’m just in the process of being unstuck lately. As the free spirit that I am I need to go out there & chase my dreams. I will admit that I got my born in family nuts on this. They won’t get the concept cos they haven’t done it. They haven’t set out to see the world like Tonny Wheeler, the founder of Lonely Planet by chasing a dream to Australia from England. Yes, I am meant to see the world, the beauty, to help & to inspire others, capture it threw the lens & with my writing. I’ve forgotten how much I actually enjoy watching Anthony Bourdain’s programs, cos I get his vision to share with others how beautiful the world is, even in the most unlikely destinations for a traditionalist would travel to. Beauty is out there; you just to be open to receive it. Got to surround myself with liked minded people who are more like me. Come on universe help me right now.