Reflections of the Year...

My heart has been ripped outside of me inside out, up and down, over the past year. As I look back in the mirror to myself back then, I would love to say to myself back then that you are much stronger that what you think, when I was going through the mess of the dark night. I’ve spent many afternoons curled up on the couch with a book and listing to The Rolling Stones with balling my eyes out and bursts of anger with rage. Books have been my saving grace; The Soul of Money, A Course in Miracles, Tears to Triumph, Dare to Lead, Journey to the Heart,You Are A Badass At Making Money, Whatever Arises Love That, I’ve Been Thinking, Path of Empowerment, The Law of Divine Compensation, Why Bob Dylan Matters, A Brief History of Time, to name a few of the many reads that kept me afloat. I remember reading somewhere that RFK took to reading the ancients after the death of his brother JKF to find a deeper meaning of life. In a way, books have done that for me, insight for the hunger to seek the knowledge from within to help me grow. 

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
~Viktor E. Frankl

At times I felt as if I was in a prison cell of my own cage navigating all the tough emotions that arose. I didn’t dwelled in them, like what others might say that I have done, oh no, I’ve have learnt the practice of non attachment from many years of mediation to just let them be. So what if I have sat with them and it was not pretty, who is there to judge really, beside my own conflicting mind? Sadly, we live in a culture where the quick fix is that bottle of wine or a pill or a smoke, but you know what I wasn’t doing any of that. I have learnt the practice of self love and taking care of me for me. It’s up to me. I can think back to that Dylan song with the lyrics:

“Everything went from bad to worse
Money never changed a thing
Death kept followin', trackin' us down
At least I heard your bluebird sing
Now somebody's got to show their hand
Time is an enemy
I know you're long gone
I guess it must be up to me

If I'd thought about it I never would've done it
I guess I would've let it slide
If I'd-a paid attention to what others were thinkin'
The heart inside me would've died
But I was just too stubborn to ever be governed by enforced insanity
Someone had to reach for the risin' star
I guess it was up to me”

So the self love has been endless. I found myself playing with my sisters dog and my nephew, buying myself flowers to remind myself that I’m important, treating myself on lunch or dinner dates, putting the time into my photography business, seeing Marianne Williamson speak and after meeting her after her talk (I’m still blown away), going to see a few concerts, painting my toes, walking on the beach, spending time with friends, reaching out to friends, getting acupuncture or therapy or going to the float tank, playing with my camera, exploring Ireland and showing my mother my version of traveling, to writing cards to the people who I love in this world. As I look back it sure wasn’t pretty what I got dealt with, oh no, it wasn’t one bit. It made me look at life in a new way. It’s those dark moments that make you turn your life around for the better. 

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