Ah A Birthday Reflection...

I will admit that birthday’s are not really my thing. I don’t really like telling anyone about it cos I don’t want to draw attention to me. I’m not one to hog the spotlight with its all about me, me, me… I think it had to do with all the ones that I had as a kid wondering if so and so will remember and if I planned my own birthday party will anyone actually showed up. I remember in middle school wondering during my 7th grade year if any of my friends would remember to tell the office that it was birthday so they could announce it over the loud speaker, eventually someone did and it was at the end of the day. There’s always been this fear in me if people will remember me. This year, I started to get this way a couple of weeks ago actually with the birthday drama coming up in my head. Since, I’ve been working A Course In Miracles for months now, I was working hard not to slip into my old fear base and old habits. Sure enough, I did so to speak. That’s life, we are human and slip up and mistakes happen.   

Our Deepest Fear
By Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.
We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? 
You are a child of God.
Your playing small 
Does not serve the world. 
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking 
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, 
As children do. 
We were born to make manifest 
The glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; 
It's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, 
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 
As we're liberated from our own fear, 
Our presence automatically liberates others.

"Feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear… are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They’re like messengers that tell us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck." ~Pema Chödrön

“The outlook starts with this: 
“Today I will make no decisions by myself.” 
This means that you are choosing not to be the judge of what to do. But it must also 
mean you will not judge the situations where you will be called upon to make response.”
~A Course In Miracles 

I often feel that the people in my life don’t understand how sensitive I’m. Here’s me who will be sending numerous birthday messages any way I know how to the people who I love the most and I may not even get that many in response or if the particular loved one who I have poured my heart out to will reciprocate. Then I fall into the trap wondering if I really matter from that loved one. Yes, I do know that people get busy and might not read the notifications on their Facebook or remember if a particular date has of some importance. I have to always remind myself not to take it personally.  Maybe some will actually surprise me in ways I didn’t even dream of before…

I did tell someone over the weekend, that I did look like I’m in my 20’s. Since they couldn’t believe how old I actually am. I thanked the person who told me that I have flawless skin too. 

The past year has brought with it many obstacles and blessings. It’s been a year full of stress that I have never dreamt of impossible encountering when you have been faced with trauma. Dealing with trauma has been a challenge within itself and at times have caused many relationships that I have with many loved ones a lot of stress. I appreciate all of the loving support that these loved ones have given me as well, even tho I may have been a shit at times to them. Recently, I read an excellent article (The Science of How Our Minds and Our Bodies Converge in the Healing of Trauma) The article brought up a lot of things that resinated with my heart very much…. On the bright side, I became an aunt and drove solo to Canada, and have been taking more portraits than previous years, to name a few of the things. Most will not take the route that I have and dive into the intense work of healing the heart either. People often tell me that I’m beautiful more so than ever is what I’ve been hearing, but there’s a part of me that still is having my own inner battle of accepting the the truth for myself. I hope that I can see the beauty that I have been putting out there in the world. I really do, before it’s too late. But we all have our own battles of slaying the dragon for ourselves in our lifetimes. 

“Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes… the ones who see things differently — they're not fond of rules… You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things…”
~Steve Jobs

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