I Feel So Different...

Healing from trauma is something else. You feel all alone and wonder if you have a place in this world. Thoughts come and go. Sometimes it's a train wreck and other times it's bliss. Your nervous system gets shoot down and your processing gets all distorted. Simple day to day routines become struggles. Making decisions sometimes take hours, when it really ought to be like 10 minutes.  Some people won't take the time to listen to you express your concerns with those moments of being vulnerable.  Others will open their hearts, a stranger might offer a smile, a dog will cuddle up to you for you to reclaim your joy and a friend may just randomly surprise you with the best compliment or advise that you need to hear in the moment. 

“When something difficult or painful happens,
always look to see what it makes possible that wouldn’t have otherwise been possible.
Like a new adventure, a closer friendship, or chocolate in your peanut butter.
Everything makes you better,
The Universe
Clever of me, huh?”
~Mike Dooley (www.tut.com)

I know from my own personal healing of PTSD life sometimes gets away from me. I can't really explain it. It's more of a darkness that takes myself hostage and lock me into a deep dark prison of thoughts. A sea of endless waves all swirl around like a cyclone with no rhyme or rhythm of the seas. I think to myself that this too shall pass, come on and hurry the heck up.  I must ride the waves to surf them the best that I can. Daily mediation has been my savior. At times I have struggle to get out my nice cozy bed all curled up to make my way to my meditation circle for my morning ritual. I may draw one of my own affirmation cards (https://www.etsy.com/shop/christineanuszewski) to remind me to be more present. I may beg my sister for Hank, her adorable 3 year old black lab to spend some time with me so I can hug him. Did you know that by hugging a dog you can actually decrease your anxiety? Dogs are great healers. I may find myself reaching for my camera and photographing the flowers that I bought for myself. Did you also know that by buying yourself fresh cut flowers it actually increases your self love? Roses are said to be the best, but tulips and daffodils tend to work just as good. Reaching out to those friends that I trust in a heartbeat has been a saving grace. At times I have felt that I’m not worthy and I don’t deserve anything. I may not treat myself, but at other times, I may treat myself on things that my soul sings for. It’s a process is what I have learnt to deal with. Life is always evolving, taking in the songs of the seasons to flow. At times I do want to scream cos I hit a wall and things don’t move as freely and effortlessly as I would like. During those times, I remind myself to look at nature and her patterns for the inspiration. Something great will come from the pain and suffering, is what I keep reminding myself. A door will open when the Universe knows the moment is right for me.
“And now I feel so different
I feel so different
I feel so different”
~Sinead O’Connor

Picture credit to Becky Armstrong-Woods http://rivkahdesigns.com/
The other morning, I was reading the Irish Times and I came across a wonderful article offering hope, A Rape Survivors Story.  I found it to be beautiful tribute to honor women who have been battered and dehumanize from a man’s power hungry struggle selfish act. I could relate to the article, especially with how the anonymous author expressed her own struggles with trauma. I am stoked to see that this subject wasn’t taboo for Ireland either. In the changing world that we live in, we must find a way to break free from the silence of others dehumanizing acts and shed our own light from the darkness. I give women credit for standing in their power and not denying that they had awful acts done to them. There is power with the words #metoo. It really is a courage act to speak your truth and stand in your power to shed light to others from your own struggles. 

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